Somewhere along the way I meandered away from myself. So gradually, I didn’t realize how far I had gone. I opened my eyes to find myself lost in the dark. Deep in the forest with no way of knowing how I had arrived or how to get back.
So I’ve been slowly making my way back home, feeling around in the dark. Turning all sorts of attention inward in moments of stillness and quiet.
I like to imagine myself, as well, readying my home. With lush houseplants and gentle paintings. Establishing safety and fostering a cozy environment. Maybe running a warm bath and lighting the fireplace. Heating a kettle for a cup of tea. Establishing a life that I don’t want to distract myself from.
The way back home to myself has been incredibly difficult, painful, and disorienting. But I’m here and I’m safe. I’m well nourished and well loved. And I’m grateful to share with you in the ways you’d like to participate.
Your little shoulders weren’t meant to hold the weight they carried. It’s no wonder they are tired. It’s no wonder you’re tired. You’re safe now. You’ve created safety. You are no longer dependent on the people who let you down and left no room for error. You are tense and on guard because you had
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Now I like worms, wormies, if you will. When I find one in the garden, I squeal with delight. I’ll lift it up, give it a little pat (sometimes even a kiss) and place it gently away from my sharp and dangerous efforts so it can peacefully squirm at a safe distance.When the rains flood
Ahead of me and also behind me lies work. Effort. Labor of my heart, soul, body, and mind. There have been and will be milestones. Landmarks of accomplishments e.g. the first week without an anxiety attack. The first meal without getting sick. Telling my boss I am leaving at the end of the school year.