It is currently the dead of winter, also known as the middle of March. Today, I find myself snowed in, lazily crocheting with my phone in the other room. Slowly collecting fiscal documents to file taxes next month. Sipping hot coffee and eating fresh fruit.
I’ve been doing my best to rest during this long and cold winter. Admittedly, my best is quite bad. Endless coffee shop tasks and grocery store runs and hours of mindless scrolling have proven much more urgent than my very strong desires for rest.
This winter reminds me of a sleepless night spent tossing and turning. Before you know it, it’s four a.m. and I haven’t slept a wink. There’s just two hours left before I need to be up for work, and I’m pretty sure the next day is going to be terribly long–my eyes burning and heavy, my brain foggy and swirly. Dear Lord, let me rest. March is 4 am. The sun of spring will rise before I know it, and I am desperate for a few more hours of REM.
I have been abstaining from social media (facebook and instagram) during the 40 days of Lent. As you’re all well aware, I spend much too much time on my phone. Which we are all well aware, is a terrible waste of time and energy–and I hate to say it–a sorry excuse for rest. When my body is tired, or my brain anxious, it’s easy to tap on an app and get lost for hours or days or years on end. I tell myself I’m resting, but I feel heavy and drained and much worse after the fact. This has been a good decision, my Lenten promise. I spend more time with myself or in silence or tidying the house or scrubbing dishes. My brain flips off and sorts and documents the day without the inundation of social media content. It’s offered me time to rest and read and crochet and dance and stare at the wall for a little while. I wonder why we fast and abstain right now, during the last bits of winter. I forgot, I think, to rest this season. To slow. To reflect. To re-center. And I think the Lord is drawing me away for a few more hours of rest in the nautical twilight of winter. Inviting me to quietly witness the divinity of this slow and cold time.
Because I am more rodent than girl on my worst days, I am drawn to my phone like a rat to cheese. Instead of instagram or facebook, I scrolled through old blogs and writings. I’d like to share what I wrote under the heat of the summer sun (lest I forget why on earth I am so desperate for rest).
Dice así:
When I first started this project, I leaned very heavily on others for guidance and help and confidence. I was scared to begin, scared to make a mistake, and scared of wasting my time and my friends’ time too.
Unfortunately, I have pulled out more nails and screws than I like to admit. Turns out, I’m a cut twice, measure once kinda guy. I’ve smashed fingers, thumbs, toes, knuckles, face, ego. Wasted my time, and everyone else’s. Drove to the hardware store 4x this week. Bought the wrong sized lumber. Watched YouTube. Made a few trips to the store alone! Bought the right screws, right parts, and right tools. (Look at me go)
I installed joist hangers and cut 2x4s to size. (Also, learned what a joist hanger is)
Today, I heaved siding by myself. Used a concrete brick and a 4×4 to hold it in place. I’ve come a long way! I find myself way ouside my comfort zone.
God my body is tired. I lost count of how many times I climbed the ladder. How many nails a pounded in. I am exhausted. I am sweaty. I am stinky.
But I showed up for hours today. And I’ll do the same again tomorrow.
I’ll look good and smell bad doing it.
Lest I forget. Crawl back in bed. Shut the lamp off. Cozy in. And get a few more hours of sleep.